Time heals all wounds?

Well Jan. 25 was the one year mark of Shane's overdose, well the one that he died from....

Jade and I have been having more in depth heart to heart talks. Some of the things we talk about I know she couldn't have before with me. I am pretty conservative and she (like alot of young people) isn't. I don't agree with alot of her ideals, and to be honest she doesn't agree with mine either. But at least we are talking and now she isn't afraid to talk to me about things either even if I tell her exactly how I feel and I don't agree with it.

She was invited to a couple of friends houses over the weekend. Parties for Shane. She didn't go to any of them. She stayed at home and her reason was that she wanted to be with her mom. That lumps up my throat like you wouldn't believe, even writing this I am tearing up.

We talked alot, but hugged and held each other even more. Sometimes there just isn't any words to say.

Saturday was the worst day. As Jade explained to me that the day before he died they got into a huge fight and she was so mad at him for being high. I came home in the middle of it and ended up taking his keys away from him and calling his grandfather and his mother to let them know he was so messed up.

It's hard being a mom sometimes, we are the ones that are supposed to kiss the booboo's and make bad things go away.


This was taken Thanksgiving of 2006 and it doesn't show completely how cute they looked. She is only 5foot and he was 6ft7inches.

Cold

I usually don't mind the cold, but this year has been just terrible!! The last few years at least the snow has melted in between storms. Not this year we haven't seen the ground since before Christmas.

Mom and Dad are in Pensacola Florida, they will be coming back the end of Feb. for my 8 year old nephews surgery. Then they will head back and stay till April. I don't like talking to them right now. Why? They call and say "It's chilly here too" IT IS IN THE 50's!!!! :D They did get a cold snap last week one night did get down to 19. OUCH!!!

I really miss them. They have traveled all over the world. The Holy Land (mom twice and dad three times) About 6 countries in Europe and 2 times to South Africa. I hate it every time. We are a pretty close family and I don't like having them far away.

Within the last few years their traveling has been a little easier because of cell phones. We all have to same carrier so it doesn't cost us anything.

Dad's health isn't the greatest, and that scares me too. He has already had one trip to the ER in Florida. The warmer weather does seem to help him and he doesn't seem to fall as much at least it isn't daily like it was before he left.

Jade doesn't start back up with school till April and she has offers to go see her grandparents and an uncle in Florida and some friends in Texas. I think she is going to take up the friends offer and head out to the Lonestar State for awhile and I don't like that either.

I LIKE MY FAMILY NEAR ME!

But I guess that if it were me I would go.

I just want them all to be safe and near me. Or I want April to hurry up.

Good Bye 2008, Good Bye to those I knew.

Well it is the end of another year. A sorrow filled year. I know that part of life is death. I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier when it happens to the people that we love. 2008 started with deaths and ended with deaths of people that I have been close to.

It started early last year. January 4th my one of my oldest and dearest friends Karin lost her father. He battled and lost a hard fight with cancer and the last few months of his life he was in horrible pain. This truly was one of the kindest men I ever knew. He never and I do mean never raised his voice. Even raising 4 girls, some of whom (even Karin) would at times make any parent scream, he never did. Called everyone "kiddo". At his funeral they asked if anyone had any words they would like to say. I hate talking in public, but this man treated me like his own child, he always told me how beautiful I was and he made me feel that way. That is what I said when I stood up to tell of this wonderful man. Good bye Dale I Love You!

January 25th Shane lost his battle with addiction. A prelude to that was when we had gotten a call from his younger brothers Dec. 19 and said he couldn't wake him up. Jade and I got there and immediately told them to call 911. He wasn't breathing. It was so frightening I have taken about 12 CPR classes in my life never had I had to use it (and in all honesty I hope I never will have to again). It seemed like I forgot everything. Thank God for the 911 operator.
We knew Shane had a problem, but we didn't know how horrible it really was, his last month with us here was a roller coaster. I know he didn't want to be addicted, he was not a bad or evil kid. He was sweet, he did tell us things we wanted to hear at times, what kid doesn't. He didn't want to disappoint people. The day he left us he actually went to rehab. I don't know nor will I till I can see him again, but I truly think he wanted to get high just one more time. It bothers yet comforts me knowing he was holding a guardian angel when he died. That is my question, I don't think he meant to die, I think he got scared. I love you Shane so much!

April 7th I lost an old classmate of mine. Angie she lived just down the street from me and we met in kindergarten. We always either walked to and from school. Or get driven by her mom ever day till we graduated. After graduation we parted ways like alot of people do, but I seen her about 6 months before she passed. Diabetes made walking difficult. And that disease was too strong for her to overcome. She was only 40 years old. I missed her so much through the years, and now I will always miss her till I see her again.

The mother of one of my parents oldest and dearest friends past away this fall.

A grandchild of a friends died at 3 months of age. What can you say about a terrible thing like this?

My ex-sister in laws father died Dec. 10. Mr. Hurley's wife helped raise Jade as she was our day care provider for years.

Pets are often members of the family and my little Boston Terrier Peggy was no exception. She was killed by a car in July (she shared the same birthday as my niece Stephanie who died in March of 2007), and I so blame myself for her death. I am the one that opened the door. The only time she went into the road was chasing after animals, I did not look out that morning. She was a great little dog. I'm sorry Peggy.

Some of the many famous people that left us this year:
Paul Newman
Heath Ledger
Charlton Heston
George Carlin
Bernie Mac
Issac Hayes
Eartha Kitt (I seen her in the Wizard of Oz, at the Fox Theatre)
Michael Crichton
Estelle Getty
Larry Harmon
Tim Russert
Bo Diddley
Harvey Korman
Sydney Pollack
Dick Martin
Arthur C. Clarke
Roy Scheider
Suzanne Pleshette
Sir Edmund Hillary

Good Bye 2008, I hope 2009 brings more happiness then sorrow.

Can't wait for Epiphany?

Well as always Christmas always comes and goes quickly around here. I love my Christmas decorations and I hate taking them down every year. This year has to be a little different as we have finally broken down and have bought a new mattress!! I am so excited about this. For years I have been putting more and more padding between the springs that are poking through and the fitted sheets. When Mark wasn't living at home it wasn't too bad as I would sleep in the middle of the bed. But it is sad watching him wake up in the morning in as much pain if not more then he went to sleep with. It is a little weird going shopping for a mattress as the only way to really see if you like it is to try it out. With the sales man making his spiel as we go from one bed to another. We found one that offers both the support he needs and the comfyness (sp) I want. The prices are crazy, but as someone stated you spend a 1/3 of your life in bed and if he has a bad back, and it isn't something you shop for every year or two you really need to get one that is of good quality. The company offers free delivery and free hauling away of the old one.

But now that means I have to take down Christmas decorations or there will not be any room to get it in next Monday. Without crashing into everything. I will leave my little nativity up till the 6th, but all else must come down.

But taking it down is not as simple as putting it away. On Christmas eve I thought I would have time for a very short nap before all the fun and excitement. I was already curled up dozing when I heard Mark come in. He walks upstairs and said the kitchen ceiling is leaking!!! NO WAY! We just put nearly $10,000 in a new roof year before last! HOW CAN IT BE LEAKING!!! We have 4 attics in our house. Above the kitchen is the one I put decorations in so to see where the leak was we had to take out all the boxes. 1 nail, 1 crumby stinkin' nail was poking through in a corner where there was snow and ice build up. With the snow, rain and now wind Mark couldn't get up on the roof to fix it. Well Scott (our roofer) will be doing it, but knowing Mark he will help out. I just reminded him that maybe he can do it today. So every box of all the decorations for all the seasons are in the middle room upstairs. sigh.....

Happy New Year.

Christmas fun

Yesterday after the first service at church there was a family Sunday school, instead of the usual children's and adult classes that are separate. Complete with food (ahh us Lutherans like our food), music and crafts. Each family was able to make a Christmas tree to take home.

My littlest nephew Ryan, was having a wonderful time. Eating Aunt Nina's dounuts. And making his Christmas tree. I must say he did such a good job, he glued all the ornaments himself after I showed him how to get the glue going.

It is just over 2 weeks till Christmas day, and I have 1 decoration up. A nice table centerpiece my sister in law made for me. I just haven't had the time to put anything up, I am hoping today. I don't think I will get around to my iceicle lights that I usually put in all my window (how I love the look of them).

I have one 1 present bought, and not sure how we are going to pull off the rest. It seems like every year things get tighter and tighter and our daughter though she gets less presents they become more expensive. With classes starting up in January. However it seems that thing usually work out, and I am hoping for it to be this year also, I am going to try my hardest NOT to get stressed out about things, and hope my husband can do the same.

Yesterday watching the little guy made me remember what is important this time of year.

I Love You!

Three simple words that means so much. Do I not say it enough? Or is just taken for granted?

Yesterday I was sitting at home and thinking about my daughter. She was out shopping trying to get her mind off something that has been bothering her.

Anytime we talk on the phone or she leaves the house we always tell each other "I Love You". Well yesterday I picked up my cell and called her. Of course with caller id on her side she knew it was me.
"Hey Mom, what's up?"
I said "I Love You".
As soon as that was out she asked "What did I do?"
"Nothing, I just called to say I Love You, I Love You"
"I Love You too Mom, really that's it?"
"Yep, see ya and be careful" and I hung up.

When she got home a few hours later she came in and asked "You really just called me to tell me I Love You?" I walked over to her and gave her a huge hug and said "Yep, that is all I called for, just to tell you I Love You".

Later in the evening we turned the tv off and we just talked, sometimes she and I don't see eye to eye, but yesterday was alittle special and I think it was just from a simple phone call and three little words that mean so very much.

I LOVE YOU!

Wow things were messed up.

The other day I was messing around online and low and behold I found something that sank my heart. It was a blog I had started when my marriage was going down like a fast roller coaster. It was started in 2004, and lasted during the first part of our multi-year separation I had with my husband. I know that divorce can be the cowards way out sometimes, but looking at some of those awful moments that my husband and I were going through, wow.

Life was just terrible for a very long time before he moved out. And truth be told the only reason that we didn't get the divorce finalized was he wouldn't have had health insurance any longer. Sometimes I didn't want to care about him needing it, but he has a bone disease and I could never stop loving him.

It is odd to think that a separation would help a relationship, but it did. It scared him. Since he moved back home, last year I can't say things are perfect. I really don't think anyone has a perfect relationship. But when he thought he was going to lose me forever, he changed and things are so much better.

I pray that we keep the strength alive to still love and respect each other.

I shuttered as I read those old posts in my blog, it made me cold inside.